Family is sometimes good and sometimes bad. they sometimes wish you the best and sometimes influence you to not do the things you wish you should or could. We would make a move to Arizona once I sold the house, but then I have my mom speaking in my ear against it.
Earlier this month she tells me what ever I think is best and understands if I don’t come there as she doesn’t think i will anyways. And then now she questions why i would go to Arizona I thought you were coming up here if you didn’t get the job...I mean I thought you’d be the one telling me the hot spots and we could hang out etc. Which then makes me feel guilty like I’m letting my mom down when in truth she is influencing my decision. That I understand. I guess I think Gary Wyatt and I could go to Arizona, make something of our lives and my parents would be proud of what I made of myself / accomplishments.
However, if I go to Fresno, do I even see that for myself or my family. They say we won’t be your crutch, but then I feel they would impact my life a lot, shaking their head at me when they disagree of something we do. I don’t want to be in their shadow, I want them to see me live!! Make good choices!! Be proud of me...as right now I don’t think they are. I hear we’re worried, or you know what I think or I think you did it because someone actually paid attention to you...I hear the disappointment when they speak to me which cuts me down.
Everyone keeps acting around me and as life goes on, I feel like those people keep revealing their true identities. I feel not confused, but like I keep getting beating down. I try and stay strong, strong in the eyes of my husband; that those people or things don’t bother me, that I am worthy of being a Griffith. Griffiths don’t take that etc. Griffiths are tough. But I guess behind my wall I put up to others, is inside of thoughts of insecurity and confusion. Am I doing the right thing? Am I making the right decision? Should we be do this? And then I tell myself suck it up, rise to the occasion, so I put up my wall and proceed forward. Yes, I believe I’m making the right decision, but are we?? God only knows.
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